


It's Always There

by tinypinkmouse



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Gen, Insanity, Torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-09-23
Updated: 2010-09-23
Packaged: 2017-10-12 03:16:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 598
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/120179
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tinypinkmouse/pseuds/tinypinkmouse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Some things you can never get away from.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's Always There

**Author's Note:**

> For the [](http://community.livejournal.com/15_minute_fic/profile)[**15_minute_fic**](http://community.livejournal.com/15_minute_fic/) prompt _eye_. Turned out a bit (a lot) different than I expected, but 15 minutes and I'm just happy there's something resembling an actual fic at the end. It is what it is.

It's the little things that count. Maybe he didn't really realise that before. How important all those small things had been. Oh, the big things are... Well, big obviously, but it really is the small things you end up missing more. In the end there wasn't really anything he didn't miss though. So... that doesn't actually matter. In the end all he'd wanted was to get away.

But now he isn't there anymore and there's nothing that could make him happier. There shouldn't be anything that could make him happier, except that's not how it worked out. He isn't gone, not really. He never will be. It's still all there in his head and no amount of booze will ever get it away from there, it only makes it a bit fuzzy. For awhile.

The little things. It's the little things. He doesn't miss any of it. No. Never. But when he sleeps he still remembers, still feels what it was like. To take that knife to someone else, to... He remembers more clearly than anything else, and that's strange because it's all a blur of painbloodscreamsagony and _nonononono make it stop_. No way to tell if it's someone else screaming or if the sound is coming from him. But he remembers the knife in his hand and he remembers the greengreengreen of the eye as the tip of his knife slides under the eyeball, nicks it and then plucks it out. Cuts the strings still holding it to the eye socket and it was all squelchy in his palm before he squeezed and the prettypretty thing burst and it ran cold and sticky down his fingers.

Except none of that really happened, did it? Nothing is corporeal in hell. His body was never in hell. So those pretty green eyes weren't there at all and he never plucked out a real eye from anyone's head. But it's souls and agony and maybe that's more real than anything else he's ever seen and it doesn't matter what it is because he sure as hell remembers it. Wakes up and can feel that sticky feeling running down his fingers and he wants to throw up and he wants to laugh and... he had laughed back then. Laughed and laughed and laughed because it had been funny.

He tortured souls and he liked it and of all the things he remembers best is greengreen eyes and his own hand wielding the knife and the squelch of an eye bursting and stickiness on his fingers. Remembers that, because when he looks into the mirror he sees greengreen eyes look back at him and he wants to laugh. Laugh and cry and throw up. And instead he reaches for the bottle of Jack and doesn't look into the mirror and tries to forget what he saw in green eyes once, before he broke them and made them new and broke them again. And again.

If he looks deep enough into those greengreen eyes something entirely different looks back and he wants to take the knife that's always close, so close, just in case and pluck those eyes out. He knows exactly how to do it. He doesn't even need to look anymore and he could. So easy.

He doesn't look in mirrors and keeps a flask of something close by and the knife is always there just in case. But he won't give up. Not now. Not when Sam is still here and he can't. Because he knows that Sam can't take it and he won't. And the knife is just there.


End file.
